The key to keys. That is what I am trying to figure out as I stare in frustration at the dozens of mystery keys scattered across my desk. I have absolutely no idea what most of them open. As tempted as I am to throw them away, I am convinced that the moment I do, I will discover one was the only key to something critically important. Can you relate?

Keys have certainly changed over time, and they keep evolving. Historians trace the first lock-and-key systems back thousands of years to ancient Egypt, where the keys were made of wood. Wood. Imagine carrying a wooden key ring around. Forget losing your keys — termites could have stolen them.

Today, vehicle keys are not really keys at all. They are oversized electronic fobs packed with buttons and features. They unlock doors, start engines, flash lights and probably communicate with satellites. At least it seems that way. They are convenient, but they are also about as pocket-friendly as a baked potato. And whenever I stick one in my pocket, I somehow manage to activate the alarm. Nothing boosts your confidence like your car announcing your arrival to the entire parking lot.

A few years ago, I wrote about my solution: clipping my keys to a carabiner attached to my belt loop. Problem solved. Mostly.

The catch was the office-door fob. I could not reach the scanner without performing a maneuver that resembled a circus act. Then I remembered Schneider, the maintenance superintendent from the 1970s sitcom “One Day at a Time.” Inspired by his key collection, I bought one of those retractable pull-string key holders. Success. For a while.

Then the string snapped.

So it was back to the carabiner. Now I stretch up on my tiptoes like a ballerina, hoping I can reach the scanner before my calf cramps.

Business owners know another key-related headache. Employees leave, and suddenly you are playing detective, trying to recover keys. If they are not returned, locks need to be rekeyed. That gets expensive. Years ago, we switched to electronic fobs at our office. If someone does not return one, we simply deactivate it. Replacing a building fob is inexpensive. Replacing a vehicle fob, however, can require a small bank loan.

I still miss the simplicity of old-fashioned keys. When I was about 5 years old, I accompanied my father to an abandoned farmhouse he planned to tear down. Old iron skeleton keys remained in several locks. The property owners told me I could keep them, and I proudly collected every one.

I wish I knew where those keys are today.

Recently, I bought a hand engraver and started labeling new keys: house, garage, shed and so on. It helps, but it does nothing for the collection of unidentified relics already hanging around.

So for now, I will keep them. Because experience has taught me one universal truth: the most useless-looking key in the bunch is almost certainly the one that opens something important. The challenge, of course, is remembering what that something is before I need a locksmith, a therapist and a tetanus shot to find out.

Have a great week, and thanks for reading.

Shane Goodman
President and Publisher
Big Green Umbrella Media
shane@dmcityview.com
515-953-4822, ext. 305
www.gctimesnews.com