You can tell a lot about people by the kind of bread they eat.
What? You don’t eat bread at all? Well, that is the subject of an entirely different column. Today, we are talking about the rest of us — those who enjoy this fresh, soft, fluffy, crusty, nutty, spongy, hearty food that somehow manages to make nearly every meal better.
First, an admission: My mother served bread at every meal. Bread and butter, specifically. It didn’t matter what we were eating. If there was food on the table, there was bread beside it. When we were younger, it was usually plain white bread. Later, we graduated to wheat. And the honest answer for why? Whatever was on sale that week.
So what does your bread choice say about you?
If you eat white bread, you are probably younger and relatively boring. You like to get your flavor from jam, jelly, honey or whatever else you can smear on top. Nothing wrong with that. White bread is basically the blank canvas of carbohydrates.
If you eat wheat bread, you are trying to be healthier. You want everyone to know it, too. But you are not about to give up ice cream or beer. That is called balance.
Prefer a wrap? You are either extremely organized or slightly obsessive. You do not want anything falling out of your sandwich. You probably alphabetize your spice rack, too.
Are you a banana bread person? Congratulations. You procrastinate. You bought too many bananas, ignored them until they turned brown and then suddenly became a baker. Banana bread is basically the official dessert of delayed responsibility.
If cornbread is your bread of choice, you are probably eating chili. And if you are eating chili, you are probably going to need to clear the room later. I don’t make the rules.
Maybe bagels are your thing. You either really like cream cheese, gluten or both. You may also still harbor resentment toward the elementary-school jokes about Polish people. Some wounds take time.
Then there is rye bread, the only acceptable foundation for a Reuben. Corned beef, Swiss cheese, sauerkraut and Thousand Island dressing. That is not lunch. That is architecture. Rye comes in light, medium and dark, depending on how the flour is made. And if you eat rye with anything other than a Reuben, you are just being difficult.
Pumpernickel is more fun to say than to eat. Making it properly can take nearly 24 hours, which means you are either remarkably patient or you cheated by adding molasses or coffee.
So, yes, you can tell a lot about someone by their bread. And if you think that is ridiculous, I have one question: What kind of bread do you eat?
Have a fantastic Friday, and thanks for reading.
Shane Goodman
Editor and Publisher
Times Vedette digital newsletter
shane@gctimesnews.com
641-332-2707